Mum guilt: The overwhelming weight of failure

Being a Mum is my favourite job. But it's also the hardest. And it's one where you constantly feel that you're failing 😞

Image credit: Iulia Bochis

Something that I wish someone had told me before I became a mum is the never ending self doubt, constant questioning, and internal gut wrenching guilt that you feel… almost constantly. No, it definitely wouldn’t have changed my mind, but a warning may have been nice… so, consider this your head’s up!

The thing with being a mum is that honestly, there’s nothing that can truly prepare you for it. Even if you’ve had many younger relatives and have babysat for years. Even if you’ve worked in childcare. Because, when it’s your child, you literally jump right in from the second that they’re born, and this whole world of responsibility is on your shoulders.

I am extremely lucky to have a wonderfully supportive husband, but still, I feel this constant weight.

As mums, we ultimately feel the responsibility of bringing up children. Children that one day will become good human beings, who contribute to the world, who are kind, who loves life, and who in turn, if they decide to have kids, are themselves great parents. We could dig deep into the external pressures (as well as internal) for hours, so I’ll leave that for another post.

But as a mum, the internal voice chatting away in my mind can be quite loud, unfair, and unrelenting.

For example, I don’t think I will ever stop second guessing the decision to go back to work when my second son was 5 months old. He wasn’t sitting up properly by himself yet, no where near crawling. Even though he’s absolutely thriving now at nearly 2, I love my job, and I know, he won’t remember it, I will never forget it. And the mum guilt I feel about this is unwavering. I feel it as strongly now as I did when I dropped him off at childcare that first day, and I think I will still feel it when he’s 18.

Another example for you, when his kindergarten teacher called me at 10am and said my oldest had eaten all the food I had packed, and was hungry. It was one of those “Whyyyy did you not listen to your gut?” moments. I normally pack a whole range of snacks with sandwiches, but that morning was told by him (a very self assured 4 year old) that he did not want sandwiches and that he would not eat them and that he will throw them in the bin. So I did what I was told. And of course, he decided that everything else I had packed was not enough! 🤦🏻‍♀️ Thankfully the kindergarten teacher was very kind about it and not judgemental at all. And she had some corn thins he could eat. Pheww.

Then there are those moments when you completely lose the plot. When somehow you speak to these little human beings that you love more than anything, in a way you would never speak to anyone else. It could happen because of the constant mental load, because your house is an absolute mess, and because you haven’t had any time to yourself. Then you spend the night wide awake riddled with guilt thinking about how you spoke to them, worried about the potential permanent damage you may have caused.

As a mum you will have an endless list of your own examples.

So, what is there to be done?

There’s a recurring theme in this blog of giving yourself grace. And it’s really important when it comes to mum guilt and feeling like you’re constantly failing.

Grace for yourself and other mums.

Ask your friend who has a newborn how she’s going. Ask your bestie who has teens how she’s going. And actually listen. This stuff doesn’t come out easily. We are great at holding it in close to our chest.

Tell them they’re doing a wonderful job. Tell yourself this too. This is something that’s not said nearly enough.

Ask yourself how you’re going. Take a break when you can. Tell your partner what you’re feeling. Write it all down.

I’m still working on this every single day, if you’re reading this and have some advice, please don’t be shy.

Until next time,

Nhi x